Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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