sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
