1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
