Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Bring me that man meat
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
