I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
