I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
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