just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
is it fun? or sober?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
