my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
