Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
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You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
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i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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