trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize