I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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