god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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