Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
