I'm so fucking centered right now
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
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The best revenge is premature balding
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
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