You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
