If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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