Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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