I think my fart just growled at me.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
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