Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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