Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
