shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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