I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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