$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
