good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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