apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
