The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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