in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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