We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Crop dusting thru forever 21
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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