I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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