dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
