I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
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