dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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