Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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