why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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