yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
