I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize