Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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