How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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