there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
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I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
it's like iHOP with fire
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
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I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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