there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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