Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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