Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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