I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
