Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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