You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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