3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
