oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
