I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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