i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
