I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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