i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
