The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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