Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
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I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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