dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
