PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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